THE SEVEN STAGES THAT EVERY PARENT WITNESSES

Phase 1: The Twinkle in Your Eye.

Your biological alarm goes off. Every baby is unbeliveably cute. Am I ready for kids? They are pretty darn cute. Why not? Plus, making babies is quite fun!

Phase 2: Heavy with Child

The missed period - am I, aren't I? Soon confirmed by the morning trips to the bathroom to meet with you new acquaintances Ralph and Huey. But it is all worth it when you feel that first flutter - was that a kick? Was that his, you-know, on the ultrasound?

Skip ahead a few months. The kicks, elbows, backaches, and swollen ankles become common place. You gasp as you spot varicose veins. Who could have done this to your body?

Wow - was that you swearing like a trouper? Puff puff, pant pant, "you *****ing *****, I'm never **** going to **** with you again! Oh, Oh, Oh, Ah... isn't she sweet? let's see. ten fingers, ten toes, Oh she's just perfect, isn't she, darling?"

Phase 3: Creating a "first" for every occassion.

You have lost your precious sleep time. Your nipples are beyond sore and you are going delirious from dieting. However, your precious bundle of joy can harm no one. She is perfect with a perfect smile. She just found her little toes. She tastes them. Maybe she is hungry you laugh.

The "firsts" for every occassion erupt. She sits, crawls, stands, and walks to you all on her own. She can eat solid food and go to the potty. You are so proud until she throws an ear piercing tantrum. This doesn't deter your enthusiasm about celebrating her "firsts".

Nursery rhymes and pat-a-cake - crucial for child development but, all too often these days, delegated to the TV.

Your baby hits the academic world. You know she is ready, but will miss her.

Phase 4 Playgrounds, parties and alphabets.

How fast they change from being cuddly babies to young, independent, school kids. In some English private schools they even wear a uniform with cap and tie (for the boys)!

The bathroom humor fills her hours. Who knew going potty could be so hilarious?

Common "firsts" evolve to the first best friend and the first time facing rejection. She loves to run around the playground and ends up with bumps and scrapes. She realizes that life is not always fair.

How hard it is to let them go - but you can't protect them from everything.

Stage 5: She hits the books.

Time to put the play aside for a moment. There's letters and sums to learn. For some, it is just a walk in the park, for others it is climbing Everest. It is at this time that the differences between children become apparent. Those with easy kids can't see what all the fuss is about, yet for others it is the beginnings of years of stress, worry, tears and heartache.

She can be tough to deal with, but she is sweet when she asks for a pony for Christmas.

Time too for rules and chores, they're not your little babies anymore!

Phase 6 - Pre-teens and Puberty

They hit puberty and their body will be changing every day. The girls hang with the girls and the boys hang with the boys. Girls are too silly for boys. Girls think boys are not mature.

Your personal style will not be cool no matter what. No one wears the clothes you have in your wardrobe and your daughter will tell you this every day.

Language. Well cool.

Their voices go up and down. Your daughter is embarassed and proud to shop for her first bra.

Phase 7 - "Kevin goes Large"

Boys and girls discover the attraction to each other. They wonder if anyone has a crush on them.

Suddenly too, your precious child, whom you taught everything, knows more than you. In fact, you apparently, know nothing, and they knows everything!

Parents are not cool while friends are the top of their social list. Your daughter wants to stay out late with friends. Can't you just be a cool mom and let her stay out until 3am?

But, every now and then, you can have an amazing conversation with your new young adult - as long as you aren't trying to lecture them.

Your daughter has become an adult with goals, aspirations, and endless energy.

Phase 8: (So I'm not a mathematician.)

So they've left home - but they are still your little darlings. Your worries and hopes for them continue.

You will always love your children no matter what.

Life is short. Enjoy moments with your children whenever you can.

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