How Do I Help My Son Overcome His Painful Shyness?

Q. "How can I help my 7 year old son? He is so shy that he hardly talks to anyone other than family members".

A. There are many children who are shy, which doesn't mean they won't learn to be comfortable with all kinds of people. You have to start from where the child is, and build one success at a time.

First, help him to find activities that he likes and is successful with. The more times he can experience being good at something, the more confident he will become. He will also have the added advantage of having more to talk about. The more people involved, the better. Don't pressure him too hard to do things he's resisting, but don't make it too easy for him to opt out. Sometimes kids balk at doing something even when they know inside that they'll have fun.

Deliberately set up some social situations as learning experiences for him. Start with easy ones and then build up. For example, going to the movies with a friend is dead easy - they sit in the dark and don't have to talk to each other at all! Yet they can have fun together.

Structure some activities for him that involve a few other people. Each time he gains a little confidence, plan another that is slightly more difficult. Plan these events knowing that he will do well, and then stop while it's still fun. This will make everyone want to do it again.

Build the social encounters around the activities he enjoys. If it is computer games, then have some friends around (one at first, then more) to play games with him, and talk about the games they are playing.

If you visit adults, you can start the ball rolling by talking about his latest computer game. Let him correct you, or maybe supply some details of a particular level. You might cue the adults ahead of time as to things to ask him.

If he won't respond, don't make excuses for him and never force him to talk. Let him talk, or not talk, as he chooses, and then live with the consequences of his choice. However, you will have more success in getting him to talk if you draw him into conversations with open ended questions such as "How did Mario get lost in the Mansion in the first place?". Avoid putting him on the spot with closed questions that demand a one word answer, or that are about subjects he dislikes or finds difficult.

Gradually, your son will develop confidence in talking and being with people. He will then be able to take more risks by talking about less familiar subjects. In short - if talking becomes fun, he will do more of it. It it is difficult or embarrassing he will do less.

Finally, don't call him "shy". The more he hears you say this, the more convinced he will be that that is just how he is and that he cannot change. In time he might even use this as an excuse: "I can't do that - I'm too shy!" Instead, emphasise his positive qualities - his gentleness, kindness, politeness etc.

It may all take some time, but if you keep it all positive and affirming, he should get there.

Article Source: http://www.diyarticlelibrary.com

Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter with expert parenting advice and also writes regularly for Yes Parenting website.
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